How To's And What Not's: Tips You Don't Care About

You thought I forgot? Well I did.

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Want to get someone out of your hair, and life for a long time? WELL, I can tell you how to do just dat, homeboii.

1. Stab them!: Who doesn’t like to go Ghostface on some annoying little punk every once and a while, the more medieval, the cooler you look.

2. Blow them up!: Human Torch that mothafu-

3. Hit them with a car!: Going Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on someone is pretty cool too.

4. Kill them with sound!: Try and reach 2.5 decibels on a guitar whilst playing in front of your friend and they’re guaranteed to die. And their clothes will be blown off too. BONUS!

5. Get in their dreams, man: Make them beg for Freddy Kreuger by killing them in their dreams. Inception-style murder is cool too. LIMBO.

6. Hire Jason Voorhees: Indestructible serial killers need some money too. It’s tough out there bro.

7. Final Destination Style!: Get some freaky-deaky vision in a public place and cheat Death. Your friend will be dead in no time. Along with all your other friends. ISOLATION IS COOL!

8. Mortal Kombat-esque murder: Go out of your way and slay this fool by ripping his heart out with your four arms.

9. SURPRISE ATOMIC BOMB!: Nagasaki-esque murder is also pretty ice.

10. Choke them with socks: This takes skill and patience. Murder with simple foot-wear is very difficult and you must be precise with your tactics. Go on wise one and slay this punk in anyway you can.

11. Push them off a bridge: Bridges, who knew?

12. Hit Them With A Bus: You may have to kill the driver but-OKAY, NO MORE DEATH NOW.

*Results May Vary, Meaning that, this person may just survive, read this post, and come after you.

Next Week’s How To!:

How To: Rob A Bank!

PEOPLE FORGET THINGS OKAY.

Shut up.

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Want to make cheesy pasta you lard-filled gelatinous monster? Well, I’ll tell you how.

1. Buy some macaroni & cheese: Go to Publix or some local super-market near you and buy some. Don’t get Kraft because it’s basically 65% air. Get the generic brand its only like $1.99 ya cheap fu-

2. Put water in a pot with salt and vegetable oil: If you can’t do this simple task you should go cannon ball off the Empire State Building. Or wearing cement shoes and take a dip in Niagra Falls you Canadians.

3. Set said water to boil: Turn on the stove stupid.

4. When the water boils, add the macaroni: It’s simple. Just take the cheese pack out and put the macaroni in the boiling water, stupid.

5. Stir the macaroni in the water, oil, salt thing: Get a wooden spoon, and stir dat bit-

6. Drain the macaroni in a colander: Don’t know what a colander is? Get over here.

7. Put the macaroni back in the pot and pour the cheese on top/ put the cheese with milk in a pot: Now, whether you like wasting time and water, put the cheese with milk in a pot and stir them together, or you can just pour the cheese on top of the macaroni like a pro.

8. Add tuna: Tuna’s good for ya baby doll.

9. Stir it all together: Yeah.

10. You made Macaroni & Cheese: This in itself is so depressing.

*Results May Vary, Meaning that, you are a complete imbecile who can’t complete the simplest task, now come and put your head right under this tire for a second.

Next Week’s How To:

How To: Kill Someone!

I’LL BE FUNNIER, I SWEAR.

This is being posted from my phone, so, things will look different.____________________________________ Goin’ to Halloween Horror Nights and don’t want to look like a baby or don’t want to have to kill yourself to spare the fear? Well I’ll tell you how to not do those things._____________ 1. Bring A Hoodie: Bringing a hoodie will allow you to cover your eyes, this way you don’t see them and you’ll blend in with the dark. (A friend who’s a scareactor told me that he likes to go underneath people. OH WELL.)——————————— 2. If you see a scareactor, look at him and go around him: Note, this is for scarezones. If you see a scareactor that you don’t want to get up close and personal with look at him or her in the eyes like a creeper and walk around them. Sometimes they really dont care and they’ll come after you anyways so…..————————————————————————— 3. Run!: That’s right you little wimp just run away. Would you rather look like a coward running away or look like a coward run…

This cold is going to end up killing me.

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Want to become famous over the Internet and also find a way to lower your self esteem? Find out how to hizzere!:

1. Record a video of you failing: Yep, one way to make a viral video is to record a video of yourself failing. Such as sliding across the floor and slamming into a tv, or doing a back flip in the streets and getting hit by a car, or if you want more views, go skydiving have a parachute malfunction and slam into a mountain. WAIT! This is not ‘Faces of Death’.

2. Record a video of you covering a song… badly: That’s right Copernicus, record a video of you covering a song like ‘Tik Tok’ but sounding like you should have my foot shoved in your mouth. Note, doing this is also another way to become depressed fairly quickly.

3. Record a video of you cover a song… goodly: Goodly is a registered word in the system. Ok. Either way, if you cover a song really good yo, ppl will lykks it and u’ll get fanz. Note, sum ppl who c0va songs gud are @elizabethmorganmace and @meganmckinleymace.

4. A video of your REALLEH bad song: Let’s get down to the grizz. Now, if you record a bad song (COUGH, FRIDAY, COUGH, MY MOMENT, COUGH.) and post it on the interwebz, trolls will see it and it’ll become viral. Note, you will receive death threats about 1 month in. I suggest moving.

5. Record a video of your children: If your son has just come from a dentist’s appointment and is basically “high off dat laffin’ gas” you should record him because it’ll be a viral hit. WHO DOESN’T LOVE BABIES? I do. I really do. I love them. Mine. Either way, this will insure that your child has future women to lay with.

6. Record a video of your children being attacked harassed by aminals: Who doesn’t like watching children being beaten  messed with by a llama?

7. Make something that will become a future meme: You know that feel bro?

8. Make something so stupidly funny that it will become a  meme: Now shush before I fire my lazor at your rage face and trololol whilst I tea-bag.

9. Penis-Copter: Enough said.

10. ALL THE ABOVE AND MUCH MORE: THAT’S ENOUGH.

1!1. Have a viral video: Youtube’s server will crash because of your viral-nessity.

*Results May Vary, Meaning that, you might not be funny and only 1,548 people get to laugh at your st00pid head.

MONDAY’S SPECIAL HOW-TO BRO:

How To: Survive A Night In Halloween Horror Nights (YEAH IT’S OFF SCHEDULE, WANNA PUNCH FACES?)

Next Week’s Regular How-To:

How To: Make A Load Of Money.

By the way, I luh you aw. I rally deux. Luh u.

I have braces now.

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Want to trick potential cyber rapists and past Dateline members into thinking that you’re worth going back to jail for? Well, I’ll tell you how.

1. Photoshop is your best friend: Do you look like Shamu’s half brother, and you’re a girl? Well Photoshop can fix that problem. Instead of your pasty-white skin and Jabba the Hutt body, you can look like a Victorias Secret model straight off the runway.

2. Use a photo of a model that no one knows about: If you have a friend that’s a model and no one knows about her and you’re trying to score some cyber game, just use her photo. She won’t know. And if she says something about it… take care of her.

3. Makeup!: That’s right, cake your face with makeup and take a photo. People over the “interwebz” will find you “sexii” and will want to meet up with you in real life. But when they kiss you on the cheek, they’ll be tasting $50 Nordstrom mascara and will probably die, but hey, you’re not doing this to keep people alive.

4. Porn!: Back to the porn! Yes, whether you like it or not, porn makes every one good looking.

5. “Street-walker” pictures!: That’s right my low self-esteem reader, taking a picture with cleavage (And I’m not talking about diamonds.) and in your underwear with Instagram or “special effects” will guarantee that a majority of your male Facebook “friends” will probably want to lay with you. (Face it, about 600 of those people aren’t actually your friends.)

6. Sexual innuendo!: Film a video of you making sexual jokes, with a bunch of eye liner and lick your lips a lot too, whilst wearing a bikini. Every pedophile on the internet will want you.

7. SUCCESS!: You were sexually harassed and have gotten 18 50-year old men thrown in jail.

*Results May Vary, Meaning that, you might just be ugly anyways and no matter what you do, no one on the Internet will find you attractive so just give up.

Tuesday’s Regular How To:

How To: Make A Viral Video!

I got red and black braces in honor of Deadpool. Yay. Oh I changed the How To about 6 times before I settled on this. HEY.

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Do you want to be successful in America? Well, I’m going to tell you how.

#1. Porn!: You can make it in America off of porn. Need an example? Why do you think Kim Kardashian came to fame?

#2. Auto-tune!: If you don’t have the voice, use auto-tune to fix it! Then afterwards add an annoying electro-house beat to the background and boom, you’re immediately a one-hit wonder you talentless trash.

#3. Sex scandal with a celebrity!: Rachel Uchitel. Just sayin’.

#4. Sue a company for the stupidest thing!: Found 19 instead of 20 slices of bread in your Great Value bread from Wal-Mart? Well, I say it’s fair to sue for $10,000 for one piece of bread.

#5. Be injured in a freak accident!: Get your legs crushed by a falling building and live. After that, what channel wouldn’t want to buy your life story?

#6. Kill someone and get away!: If you get away with murder, Lifetime will at least be willing to buy your life story for millions.

Or, you can do something that’s almost never done….

#7. Actually have talent.: Yep, be actually capable of singing, acting, swimming, or cow tipping, and you may get famous. But what are the odds with all the other people starring in porn?

THEN YOU’LL BE FAMOUS YAY WOO. You suck.

*Results May Vary, meaning that, doing everything above may not get you famous your desperate little crotch weasel.

Next Week’s How To:

How To: Trick People Into Thinking You’re Good Looking (Over The Internet).

I got 10 followers. Cool. Thanks guys. Tell your friends about this, and if any of you find me funny you can stalk me through these links:

Twitter:

http://twitter.com/#!/iamtylero_o

Formspring:

http://www.formspring.me/iamnotmurphy

I went out of my way his weekend to memorize the word Flunitrazepam. What’d you do? (By the way Flunitrazepam is the technical term for roofies.)

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Out camping in the woods when you look out the window and see one of your friends hanging from a tree in a sleeping bag with their mouth open and the whites of their eyes showing. Well it’s probably a prank, don’t mind it. But if you begin to hear ominous music whilst you walk through the woods. Get scared. You’re in a cliche 2011 horror film. I’m going to tell you how to survive.

#1 Don’t be black: Not being racist, but black people don’t live. Don’t read this if you’re black because you’re probably going to be the first to go.

#2 Don’t look for friends: This is a horror film. Your friends are probably dead anyways, and would’ve done the same for you. Now stop being so selfless and run for your life.

#3 Don’t wander off alone: If you wander off alone you’re asking to get slaughter housed.

#4 Don’t say “I’ll be back.”: You won’t. Don’t say “I’ll be black” either. Hence the first tip.

#5 Show no mercy on the killer: This killer is probably supernatural. Slay him. Shoot him, stab him, dump him in the ocean, light him on fire, cut him apart, run him over, shoot him in the head, piss on his face, crap on his chest, dump him in the ocean again, blow him up, put a spear through his heart, then surgically remove his heart afterwards.

#6 Leave as fast as you can: Don’t wait for survivors. Just leave. Don’t be blonde.

#7 Don’t call the police: This is a cliche horror film. The police are either gonna A. Call you crazy, or B. Show up and die. Why waste time?

#8 If you’re a black guy who survived till the end, you’re gonna die in a twist: Just don’t be black. Surviving till the end means that there’s a twist that involves you getting killed. Sorry dude.

#9 No have sexy time: If you do have sex, you or your partner will be killed in the middle of coitus.

#10 You lived! Temporarily of course.: You survived the murder spree! But chances are the killer’s gonna trace you back to your house and kill you in the sequel. Yep, that’s how it works.

*Results May Vary, Meaning that, you’re most likely going to get drained like a sink. (Yay for black comedy!)

Next Week’s How To:

How To: Tell If You’re In The Friend Zone.

BYE YA’LL.